[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
I love the National Park Service.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.