[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.