[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.


[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze


Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.


Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?


My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.


Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”


Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )


A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was.

I’m just a prof. I can’t fix stupid.