@Jay_FrickinLynn

[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

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@1MeLrO

I was eating a chicken wonton at Applebee’s and started choking

All I could think was that I can’t go like this because I have 2 more to eat

@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

@einaregilsson

Moby Dick would be a lot less scary if the whale was called “Jeff”

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

@slimpickins_

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

@thefaithasaurus

My cat looks so serious while he kneads the blanket and I’m like sir why are you so stressed this is a hobby, it’s supposed to relax you

@ItsAndyRyan

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

@MinaWorldPeace

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.