[During Interview]
“Do you have any questions?”
– Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

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I was eating a chicken wonton at Applebee’s and started choking

All I could think was that I can’t go like this because I have 2 more to eat


I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth


Moby Dick would be a lot less scary if the whale was called “Jeff”


Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?


You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……


The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.


My cat looks so serious while he kneads the blanket and I’m like sir why are you so stressed this is a hobby, it’s supposed to relax you


3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?


And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.