HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
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Its true…
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell