@ohpeetie

[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”

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@CFernekes

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

@dreamthievin

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

@Book_Krazy

Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…

Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP

@Cpin42

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

@heatherlou_

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

@RoosterMustache

*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*

TWIN: she’ll never find out about us

ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy

@novocapulum

Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.

@HatfieldAnne

If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.

@Roxtalled

Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.

@XplodingUnicorn

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.