[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”

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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen


Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s


Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.

CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…



I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters


My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.


*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*

TWIN: she’ll never find out about us

ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy


Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.


If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.


Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.


[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.