This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[ during job interview ]
– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”
– “I give up, why?”
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[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
*pulls away from kissing my girlfriend’s twin*
TWIN: she’ll never find out about us
ME: thanks dude you’re a trustworthy guy
Dear America: it’s called English for a reason. They invented it. It’s not “English” spelling. It’s correct spelling… This is a subtweet.
If you give two examples and then say “and the list goes on,” it doesn’t.
Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.