So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!