During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Passwords are more important than ever.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference