During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
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It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I told my vodka about you.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong