[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

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WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.


They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink


I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.


“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers


I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂


I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.


My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.


A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.


***arrives to work sweaty and out of breath***

I beat her. I beat the girl who was trying to walk slightly faster than me.