[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
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[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
never ask a starfish for directions
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined