“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?