INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”
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When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
When a kid starts off a sentence with “promise you won’t get mad,” don’t panic. Just be prepared to get mad.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*limbos away from your hug*