Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor