*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”

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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.


*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*


[man comes home after long day, opens front door and is attacked by 8 cats]
MAN: There has to be a better way!
Narrator: DOGS


I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?


gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks


People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin


[a postapocalyptic world where everyone has killed themselves so they dont have to hear my opinions]
me: lemme explain y this is problematic


Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.