[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?