[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

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Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project


*4yo comes in from garden with worm*


*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*


My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.


*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*


We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.


[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]


WOLF: Can I have a thing?
GOD: Like what?
W: I want to scream at the moon.
G: Not wings or-
W: No.
G: But you cou-
W: Scream. At. Moon.


On Halloween I’m going to let kids decide between raisins and a toothbrush so they know what we’re going through with this election.


I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.

It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!