[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
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[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done