@TweetsByKaylee

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

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@dragonsorbet

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.

@Scarlet_Rose67

My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.

@Contwixt

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

@lizmiele

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@MaverickBistro

If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse

@UncleDuke1969

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.