[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
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I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone