“I killed a man”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
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If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.
My daughter asked me what marriage is like, so I threw out all her Ken dolls, except for the bald drunk one.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you’re a woman and hate cargo pants it’s because you are keenly aware of their tactical superiority compared to a purse
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.