[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
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There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
#Caturday
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
thanks auntie mary
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy