[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.