@Paige__xxx

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

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@rebrafsim

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

@SkippyMcGizzard

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

@Shen_the_Bird

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

@MrBob_52

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

@AddledPixie

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

@Lisa_Laughs_

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

@TheAlexNevil

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

@cravin4

Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.