[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

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*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!


*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-



her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me


First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.


I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.


We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.


It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.


Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.

*pets unicorn*


Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.