[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
I was bored.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing