[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
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Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
me and the Superbowl rn
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Best spot.. 😅
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*