I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Him: speak dirty
Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD
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Who’s the cutest little nation?
Yes you are!
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?
Things you can’t touch:
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.