I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Classic German Shepherd 😂
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?