@Bratterina

{During sex}

Him: speak dirty

Me: mud, mud, MUUUUUUD

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@CherBear162

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

@ag_loco

Dear Canadians,

Who’s the cutest little nation?
You are!
Yes you are!

*pinches cheeks*

@weinerdog4life

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

@dafloydsta

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

@ShrugLord

How will the whales ever evolve if we keep pushing them back in the water?

@mofrorock

Things you can’t touch:

1. Happines
2. The Easter Bunny
3. Your wife’s sister
4. This

@LMHPhotog

Whenever people talk about “drug resistant super bugs”, all I can think about is how proud I am of those little guys for having the willpower to stay clean & sober in what must be an incredibly dangerous and stressful environment.

@deadstick_ron

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.