The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Perfection.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Dietest Coke
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.