[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.