(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
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True
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Breaking news:
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.