[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave

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Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.


Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened


If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.


I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.


Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.


I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.


I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.