@themiltron

[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave

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@ohpeetie

Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.

@seamussaid

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

@LittleMissAngr1

If you do a Marilyn Monroe-esque rendition of Happy Birthday, they’ll stop inviting you to their kid’s birthday parties.

@SaltyCorpse

I hate when I get branded “Meanest Mom” so early in the morning.

It gives me nothing to shoot for the rest of the day.

@PinkCamoTO

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

@Dawn_M_

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.