Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
gf: this is so hot, seth!
seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*
Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*
SG- Those aren’t your pants
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.