[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
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I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Note to self: I am a note
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct