[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.