{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Everyone’s family
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve