[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

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God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.


Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip


Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.


Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.


[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*


Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.


Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.


Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.


Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.