@Shen_the_Bird

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

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@mjkspeaks

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@_steamy_mac

Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I’m pretending I’m gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@Tmoney68

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@_Tempo11

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.

@_SetTheHook_

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

@Robert_Beau

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

@skittle624

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.