Restaurants: stop calling things homemade.
her: call me names
me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt
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All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.
Strange things: the prequel
2 Stranger 2 Things
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”
Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!