@_coryrichardson

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt

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@AdamOfEarth

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

@CandyEmpires

Google+ is starting to sound like a half-way house for people that aren’t phony enough for Facebook but aren’t edgy enough for Twitter.

@Buffalojilll

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

@mattingebretson

As a kid on summer nights I’d capture fireflies in a jar then show them to my father and say “please buy me a sega this does nothing for me”

@pixelatedboat

Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he’s the world’s most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I “ruined your son’s birthday party”?

@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

@SomthinBoutSara

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!