Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You Might Also Like
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
“What?”
– Jude
i dont have time for this
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist