[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
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I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Love is in the air fryer.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?