[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
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*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.