[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

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Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*


Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.


(At Target buying tampons)

10 yr old son: Oh, YOU get something for yourself but I don’t get anything!


Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.


Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.


Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.


Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.


“We need a name for this big flat state full of corn and you’re gonna be the one to do it”

“I…uhhh… Wha?”

“Nailed it. Next state.”


The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.


*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality

*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion