[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook