[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
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Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That鈥檚 why it鈥檚 better to shoot them.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don鈥檛 care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I鈥檝e ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Damn … History Channel 馃榾
#archaeohistories
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don鈥檛 have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
WTF
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I鈥檓 thankful for
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.