@Staggfilms

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

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@LocoBurritoMan

Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet..

I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money!

@TEXASVETERAN

I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.

@Go2Slp

4: can we name the baby Yoko?

Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name

4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?

Me: …

4: …

Me: yes

@SamuelHLowe

I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.

@TheCatWhisprer

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

@lecalabara

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

@smithsara79

Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*

@Brianhopecomedy

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

@TheDailySchmuck

I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.