Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet..
I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money!
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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I always get my pizza cut into 4 slices. You’d have to be a fat ass to eat 8 slices.
4: can we name the baby Yoko?
Me: well Yoko is a Japanese name
4: if the baby is Japanese can we name it Yoko?
I forgive you, but I hope your death is written, produced, and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Why font matters.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I hate when I shape my hand like a phone to tell someone to call me, but they’re in their 20s and don’t know what phones used to look like.