[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
just having fun
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
i was baptized in a car wash
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her