[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*