If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
😎 🍻
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy