@awkwardphilippe

[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?

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@LindzThoughts

Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@Book_Krazy

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

@BettyBowers

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

@buhsbaby_baby

Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@HoldinCoffeeld

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

@FudgeRobot

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

@PaperPlateFace2

Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.

@dksc4life

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not