[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?

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Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”


I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.


I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up


“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.


Remember how they drove in 90’s TV sitcoms…the horribly fake steering wheel turning – left right left right? That’s how I actually drive.


“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.


Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.


My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.


Tried to steal some candy from a baby.

I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me

They lied about how easy that was.


doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not