[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start