*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
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Barbie gone wild
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills