*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
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*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.