*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.