@msdanifernandez

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

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@internetluke

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

@PatsATweetin

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

@DJLIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@AbbyHasIssues

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

@PhriendlyCody

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves

@RamblingMachine

In a public restroom I found a sign that read “THINK” on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser “THOAP” to match with it

@meganamram

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

@3sunzzz

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*