[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me