[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
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Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Not recommended for beginners.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child