Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
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For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me: i also got demoted
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills