@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

You Might Also Like

@leechee420

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

@ozzyunc

For my cardio I maintain friendships with two women who don’t like each other.

@DaddysinCharge

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

@Smug_Lemur

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

@ItsAndyRyan

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

@oxygenplug

“Yo bro this horse is actin a little weird”
“Dude thats my dog get off”
“why is ur horse so small”
“Its a DOG”
Why u pronouncing horse weird

@Marlebean

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

@clichedout

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@TheAlexNevil

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT