[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that


*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*


Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…


Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.


How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.


Can’t believe Nintendo didn’t make a commercial for the Wii where a guy breaks up with a girl by saying “It’s not you, It’s Wii”.


If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?


Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like.
Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.