[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Owl Sanctuary
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.