It’s late and I’m wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now.
I’d call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this