[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

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It’s late and I’m wondering what my high school girlfriend is doing now.

I’d call her but I know she has a big algebra test tomorrow.


Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?

Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.


I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.


Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up


Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.


[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.


Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?

Wife: Oh god

Me: They study algae, brah!

Judge: Divorce granted


My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”


The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.


[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this