[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
no their not
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.