“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
You Might Also Like
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.