[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
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I hate my earbuds.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
BaD BoY!!
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
me working on my assignments ^-^
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.